The Three S’S of Intimacy Without Sex…

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Three things to do naked that need not end in sex. That’s right husbands and wives, Kerry and I are going to share three things to do naked and that do not need to end in sex. Some wives are cheering while many husbands are trying to delete this article before it can be shared.

Since you are still reading, it is evident that you are interested in the path we are on. First remember this, physical intimacy in marriage should be a daily lifestyle in your marriage, a wide array of activates from full on love making all the way to loving play with just a touch of sexuality on the edge. Here we offer three actives that can be part of your “less than full sex” intimacy.

First, let’s have a working definition of “less than full sex”, and that definition will differ between men and women.  Ladies, this is Kerry, I truly feel that for most women it’s something that does not cause a much needed arousal to cause her to even think of going further. It’s fun, but it’s not foreplay, and she is happy to do it and move on. Men, this is Joe, our definition of sex-play that does not end in sex is more of a choice because anything done in the nude with one’s wife is going to get him thinking about doing it more. God made men to respond to the naked female body, and we respond even when sex is not our goal. True statement…  So:

WIVES

(Kerry) Ladies, please don’t let physical signs of arousal make you feel that something was done “just to get sex.” I truly believe and speak from experience, that if the two of you have full sex regularly, your husband can and will enjoy sex play for what it is, and not be upset that it goes no further; however he is going to get turned on none-the-less. As Joe said earlier, “True Statement.”

HUSBANDS

(Joe) Men, please understand that women are not as visual as we are, and nudity alone does not make something a sex act in her mind. Our bodies are more of piece of “construction equipment” in their eyes then a sexual object. Just saying… It’s okay (and uncontrollable) to be aroused by your less than fully clothed wife (even after all these years, but if you ALWAYS act out on those feelings you will not be blessing her. Men, I speak from experience on this, don’t go there, it’s not a pretty place. Instead, learn to enjoy touch and nudity for its own pleasures – and for the freedom it will help her to feel about her nude body. 

It’s vital you all understand the importance of touch both for physical and mental health, as well as relational and sexual health, but why make a point of being naked? First because nudity is (or is supposed to be) something we only do with our spouse. Naked activities therefore create a sense of bonding by setting them apart from clothed activities we do with others. Second, if the goal is skin contact, then the more skin available, the more contact we can have. We have chosen these as the three naked S’s:  sleeping, showering, and snuggling.

 

SHOWERING

Okay, be honest, when’s the last time you showered together? When’s the last time that showering together wasn’t foreplay?! Ever shared a long hug in the shower? Washed each other? Washed each other’s hair? Shared a long soak in a bubble bath (if your tub is large enough)? Next time you’re going out together, try a joint shower when you’re getting ready. Next time your spouse is in the shower, join him or her… or invite them to join you.

  • Men: This one is tough but you can do it. Wash more than her breasts, and don’t expect her to kneel!
  • Women: If you don’t want him to expect sex, stay clear of his penis.

SLEEPING

Sleeping together is, in our minds, extremely important. Part of sleeping together is falling asleep together and waking up together.  We even stated that one of the cool things about being married is that you get to have a slumber party with your best friend, every night!  It’s not just about being in the same place; bedtime small talk and half asleep hugs create a deep sense of closeness. Let’s be honest, when we are in a fight or a lack of sexual intimacy, quality sleep seems to elude us. Research on pheromones (we call them “airborne hormones”) suggests that prolonged exposure to each other’s pheromones has profound effects on us. While the details aren’t all proven, it seems likely that the pheromones we get while sleeping together actually make us feel closer, more secure, and more loved; they may even contribute to better physical and mental health, and may sync our bodies in many ways – including sex drive!

A few “issues” we would like to discuss about sleeping together: (These are Kerry’s thoughts)

  • Snoring: As I’m on the receiving end of some serious snoring (my dear husband can scare off Sasquatch with his snoring) I think I have the right to say find a way to stay in the same bed!! I am willing to let him fall asleep holding me until he begins to snore in my ear; however, at that time I ask him to roll over and put on his CPAP. He then will fall asleep while placing a hand on my hip or holding my hand while he lays on his back.  Realize, as we have, snoring can be a serious medical condition, and there are medical procedures to deal with it, so a visit to the doctor may be in order.
  • We don’t do that!: Sleeping in the nude seems to violate some unwritten rule in the Bible and some other countries may outlaw it as well. It may be good for the folks who make pajamas, but why do we “dress” for bed? Not that Joe’s opposed to lingerie, but we see that as something which is put on to be taken off. If we can’t be “naked and unashamed” in bed with our own spouse, then something is wrong.  Both Joe and I always kept a robe or t-shirt handy if we ever needed to jump up for the kids.
  • Temperature differences: This could be a huge conflict due to our differences. I am always cold and Joe is always hot. This is typical of most men:  Usually men run a lot warmer than women, resulting in him lying on top of the blanket sweating while she lies under it shivering. There are exceptions, but the result is always the same. Then ladies, comes menopause, and that’s when we are throwing off the covers while our husbands are trying to stay under them. Make the room just cool enough for the person who is warmer, and add blankets on the other person’s side. An electric blanket or mattress cover with duel controls is a great investment if temperature differences are a real problem in your bed. That’s the one investment that was so worth it. I can turn on my side to heat it up, while Joe’s side usually remains unplugged.  The one “exception” that at times is enforced  to the sleep nude “rule” at our house is socks … it’s amazing how much warmth socks can provide. It also protects Joe from the dreaded wandering toes of ice!  However, he would prefer the absence of socks as well.

 

SNUGGLING

Both Kerry and I figure fewer than one couple in a hundred is getting their daily allotment of snuggle, so there is a real good chance your marriage could use more. Lazy naked snuggling is so easy when you sleep together…IF you don’t go to bed exhausted and IF you wake up more than 30 seconds before you have to jump out of bed. Just wrap yourselves around each other and enjoy the contact; no movement or talking is required.
One reason many women avoid this is they fear that it will “always lead to sex,” while men often avoid it out of fear that “it won’t lead to sex.” The problem here is one of priorities; women tend to place higher importance on the non-sexual touching, while men tend to place more importance on sexual contact. As Kerry stated before, when each is having their first priority met, it’s easy for them to engage in both activities, and neither is overly concerned about the order. On the other hand, when either of them feels their top priority is being “neglected,” things don’t flow too well. Again…True Statement.

  • Men: Realize that your wife needs non-sexual touch in order to be physically and emotionally healthy. A lack of touch makes it impossible for her to desire or enjoy sex; she might say yes, and she might climax, but she will not truly enjoy it. Her negative responses in these cases are not manipulation, rather you are seeing the result of the way the lack of touch and intimacy affects her brain.
  • Women: Realize that your husband has a strong sex drive, and while he can and should control what he does, he cannot control what he feels. When he has insufficient sexual release, his brain is affected much as yours is when you don’t receive enough touch; just as your hormones drive you to seek touch and intimacy, his drive him to seek sex. His feelings in these cases are not a sign of his selfishness, but rather a response to the way the lack of sex has affected his brain. Even if the two of you are having sex often, snuggling is going to turn him on. Ignore that most of the time, and occasionally grab him and give him a quick something. Again, I speak on experience on this one ladies.
  • Both: The answer is to be giving. Sacrificial love is what we are speaking to. Understand your spouse’s needs and make it your goal to meet them even when you feel your needs are unmet. Unselfish giving will bless your spouse, and meeting their need will make it much easier for them to meet your needs.

Don’t reserve nudity for times when you are going to be sexual. Becoming comfortable with each other’s bodies will have benefits both in and out of bed. Within the walls of your bedroom you can have your own private nudist colony! 

We both speak on experience to that!! 

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