Guest Post: “Why is reaching Orgasm so easy for a man and so hard for a woman?”

Ladies, I would like to share this post from the Blog, To Love Honor and Vacuum. This is a great blog for you ladies and one that I enjoy reading.  So take some time to read and understand the “Whys” and the “What Abouts” in our marriages as it pertains to sex with our husbands.  -Kerry

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When I was writing The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex, I surveyed 2000 women. And I found that about 64% of women usually or always reached orgasm during intercourse. But that leaves 36% of women who rarely or never, or only sometimes do. If I limit the pool to just those who have been married for 5 years or less, 41% of women have difficulty.

I’m pretty sure the number of men who have difficulty reaching orgasm is about 10 times less.

And if you’re a woman who has ever laid in bed thinking desperately, “will this be the night?”, you know how frustrating it is.

Then sex becomes this pass/fail thing: if you don’t climax, you didn’t do it right. And you feel like the failure, because he ALWAYS has fun. (If your husband does have performance issues, though, I do have a series on that). He’s disappointed, you’re disappointed, and sex seems like so much work! In the media everyone seems to love sex, but you figure they’re pretending. Or they’re deluded. Or you’re just broken.

You’re not. You’re really not! There totally is hope.
I’ve talked before on the blog about how to reach orgasm, and I have tons of tips in The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex and in 31 Days to Great Sex. I’ll summarize really, really quickly, but my top 5 points would be:

1. Use lots of foreplay

Before you even start intercourse, touch each other a lot. Get yourself really excited, even if that means that you take control by rubbing against him.

2. Use lubrication

It can be much easier to get aroused if you’re well-lubricated! Coconut oil or Astroglide work well.

3. Bring him to orgasm earlier in the day

Just so that he’s able to last longer, and it can be more about you!

4. Breathe and think of it like surfing

You want to ride the wave, not get in front of the wave. I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense if you rarely orgasm, but the more worked up you get about it, the less likely it is to happen. If you can focus on feeling pleasure and letting your body almost sink into the pleasure, then it’s more likely you’ll ride it to the top!

5. Remember angle matters

Most arousal in women is caused by clitoral stimulation, not vaginal stimulation. So change the angle so that you are getting stimulated at the right spot. Lying flat on your back (or with a pillow under your head) in the missionary position is often the WORST position for this type of stimulation. Engaging your muscles to tilt your hips up, or using a different position, is often better.

Okay, there’s more in the books, but that’s just a few pointers. The bigger issue I want to deal with today, though, is why do we even need posts like this? Why is it so tricky for women? What on earth could possibly be the purpose of us being made in this way? Is our difficulty in climaxing a result of the fall or something?

Nope. I actually think God had a purpose when He created us like this. And here it is:

1. Satisfying Sex Requires Communication

For us to reach climax, we need to be touched in a very particular way. We need to be touched in a very specific spot. We need that touch gentle at first and then more pressing and urgent.

And so we need to communicate that to our husbands.

That’s hard. Telling him what we want requires first of all that we actually know what we want, and many women don’t. We get married with very little knowledge of what feels good or how our bodies work (that’s true whether we’re virgins or not; most sexual encounters when you’re young are not sexually satisfying, and that can solidify some ignorance about how to feel good).

So we have to learn about ourselves, and then we have to tell him. That’s right: we have to tell him something that nobody else knows about us. We have to open up and pull back the curtain and show him the most primitive part of ourselves; the part we try to hide. And that’s why:

2. Communication Requires Vulnerability

To tell him what we want means that we are willing to let down our defenses and get real with our husbands. It means that we share the most private parts of ourselves, and we allow ourselves to even acknowledge those parts. We can’t pretend to be in control all the time. We can’t be prim and proper. We have to empty ourselves, bare ourselves, and let go.

And that’s why:

3. Vulnerability Requires Trust

In order to be that bare with someone we need to trust them–trust them that they love us, that they will keep this private, that they actually care and want to see inside of us.

This trust is often built over time, and that’s one reason, I think, that women tend to have more fun in the bedroom the longer they’ve been married. We’ve learned to trust, which means we can be vulnerable, which means that we can fully communicate now. We’re not ashamed and embarrassed.

The Big Picture on Women, Orgasm, and Why God Made Us This Way

So let’s take a step back now and look at the big picture.

What if God made us so that we responded sexually as easily as men did? There would not be the same need to work on the relationship. We wouldn’t have this need to be vulnerable, to grow trust, to learn how to confront our own inner fears and insecurities and bring them to light for healing. Our relationships would be very shallow.

The way that we are made ensures that if two people are going to have an awesome sex life, they are going to have to grow other parts of their relationship, too. Communication. Vulnerability. Trust. That sounds like a great marriage to me!

Why Do Married Women Have More Fun?

And this is why my study, as well as many others, have shown that married women enjoy sex more. Our world sells anonymous encounters as the highest on the sexy totem pole. But when you can’t open up and be vulnerable, you’re missing one of the keys to great sexual response. Our response is tied into our ideas of intimacy. Without real intimacy, something will always be missing.

The Good News Moving Forward

So here’s the good news, ladies!

You all can reach orgasm. Really. It may be more difficult for some. It may take years (it did for me). It may take a lot of practice and a lot of trying. But anatomically, there is no reason to think that you can’t. Just grow your relationship, calm down and don’t get too uptight about it, and read books on how to make it more likely. And then make it a really fun research project you do with your husband!

And when you do get to the point that you’re achieving orgasm usually or always, here’s some more good news: women have more intense orgasms. We can have multiple ones, which can last for quite a long period of time–far longer than his. Inasmuch as researchers can figure this out, we may have more difficulty getting there, but once we’re there–we have the capacity for more!

So don’t despair. God doesn’t like men better. He just made us differently so that we would have a reason to grow our relationship. Communication. Vulnerability. Trust. Work on those things this Valentine’s Day, and you may find even more fireworks than you had planned!

Don’t Build Permanent Structures on Temporary Resting Places

“Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will give us later.”  Romans 8:18

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You may be going through the most difficult time of your life right now.  You may be feeling that right now everything is collapsing in on itself.  It may be in a report from a doctor.  Maybe your spouse just informed you that they are done with the marriage and they no longer love you. It may even be a report from your job, you are being laid off. There may even be a report of a death of a family member or close friend. Whatever it may be, for you right now, this is the most difficult time of your life. However, we would like to share some truth with you.  If you stop right now and “camp out” on your fears and hurts, you are placing your faith on a temporary foundation. You need to know that Satan will do whatever necessary to make you build a permanent structure on that temporary foundation. Stop now and heed these warnings:

  1. The Devil wants you to believe and accept the liethat poverty, disease, rejection, tears or failure is your permanent lot in life.
  2. The Devil wants you to lose hope; He wants you to give up the pursuit of your God-given pursuits; He wants you to retreat, and permanently settle for that dark, empty and dry place of your life.
  3. The Devil wants you to believe that your best days are behind you. He wants you to believe that your current circumstances are the foretaste of the inescapable reality of your future.

But I am here to tell you that nothing is permanent in life. You are not stuck in your excruciating experience. Your situation is only temporary. With God’s help, you will be able to endure this pain, seasons will change, doors will open, tears will dry and pain will cease. You may not know how and when, but hold on to God’s promises and believe Him when He says, “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5.

Prioritize Your Spouse: 3 Rules to Follow

“I am my lover’s, the one he desires.” Song of Songs 7:10

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There is not enough time in a lifetime to do all the good things you want to do. We live in a hustle and bustle world where most of us become slaves to our calendars and most work weeks go far beyond the traditional 40 hours. We long to do so much more and many will set off to accomplish just that; however, at what cost? For everything you “want” to do there must be something sacrificed. You may even begin to re-set your priorities so as to accomplish your goal. No matter the cost.

This may be where we lose sight of who God has ordained for us; our spouse. What must we do so as not get caught up in the trivial pursuit of “things” in our lives? Let me share with you these 3 principles today.

  1. Prioritize your spouse and marriage above everything else except God. Do everything in your power to elevate your spouse to their God-given sacred position in your life. Price your spouse above every person, friend, work associate or family member. Value your marriage above every earthly relationship or association.
  2. Make it your duty to make your spouse know, feel and understand that she/he is the most treasured person in your life. Give your spouse the most precious seat in the secret chambers of your heart. Friends will come and go, children will leave, work associates will move and neighbors will relocate, but your spouse will remain in your life till death does you part.
  3. Make a commitment to never become so focused on anything or anyone that you lose your spouse, marriage and family in the process. Remember this fact, you are the only one who is called by God to be your spouses’ husband/wife. Commit to being the only one they will turn to and rely on, besides God Himself.

Forgiveness: 4 Rules to Follow

“Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and then hoping the other person dies.” –Saint Augustine

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Forgiveness is one of the most difficult and most misunderstood concepts in all of life. Refusal to do it can create a toxic root of bitterness in our hearts. A lack of forgiveness can wreck marriages, families, careers and most every other aspect of life, but embracing grace in its true form can bring freedom and healing.

This past weekend on our Redeeming the White Space Marriage Retreat, we spoke in great depth on the communication skill of forgiveness. Not only receiving but granting it as well.

To live a life of grace and forgiveness, do the following:

  1. When you’ve blown it, own it!

We live in a world that loves to deflect accountability and assign blame somewhere else. We’d like to believe we’re always either the hero or the victim in every situation, but sometimes, we’re the bad guys! Never admitting fault doesn’t make you look strong; it makes you look foolish. Be willing to swallow your pride, confess your offense, and humbly seek forgiveness.

Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” Proverbs 28:13

  1. Recognize the difference between forgiveness and trust.

Some people reject forgiveness, because they wrongly believe it’s the same thing as trust and since they don’t trust the person, they assume they can’t forgive the person. Forgiveness can’t be earned, only given (that’s called grace). Trust, however, can’t be given, only earned (that’s called “Common Sense!”).

  1. Follow the example of the world’s only perfect Forgiver.

The more you learn from Jesus, the more naturally forgiveness will flow. He is the embodiment of love and grace. We still live with the natural consequences of our decisions, but ultimately, the penalty of our sins was paid for by Him on the cross. Don’t beat yourself or others up for offenses that Jesus has literally taken a beating to forgive.

  1. Give as much forgiveness as you’d like to receive.

We all want grace when we’ve messed up, but we’ve got to realize that grace flows both ways with equal measure. If you want to receive forgiveness, you must also offer forgiveness.

“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:14-15