Adulterous Affairs Don’t Begin with Sleeping Together

“Catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming.”  Song of Songs 2:15

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Adulterous Affairs Don’t Begin with Sleeping Together; they begin with inappropriate friendships. Friendship and emotional attachments with people of the opposite sex can spell danger for your marriage. This is where you husbands, must daily make a choice to protect your marriage. Wives, this is for you as well.  What do you chose?

 

Kerry and I have witnessed many couples who “innocently” will become emotionally attracted to a member of the opposite sex. They become “bored” with the relationship they are in and begin to truly believe that there is something better for them. Instead of investing into their own marriage by seeking counsel and choosing to focus on where they are falling short in the marriage, they instead begin to drift away-emotionally and physically, and especially-spiritually.

 

So here are 4 Warnings for you to be aware of in your marriage and heed immediately.

 

 

  1. Protect your marriage by avoiding private communications and intimate conversations with people of the opposite sex. Too often we see Social Media and Texting becoming a hidden area of spouses worlds. The best way to avoid this is to make sure that you and your spouse share the same pass codes and that at any given time, they have the right to look into your phone for emails, texts, social media posts and IM’s. You have nothing to hide from your spouse…Nothing.

 

 

  1. Beware of workmates who seem too concerned with your personal private life; those that tell you “let me know if you need anything.” That’s the beginning of an open invitation to draw closer to them instead of your spouse. Do not share intimate details with workmates about the trials and struggles in your marriage. If you need to talk to someone, find a marriage counselor, a pastor or find another couple that shares your values and the four of you take time to talk it out.

 

 

  1. Beware of those that give you exaggerated and suggestive compliments about the way you look. Regardless of what is happening in your marriage don’t give the Devil a foothold in your marriage by falling victim to this trap. Let your workmates know there are things you won’t tolerate. Enough said…

 

 

  1. Keep a healthy physical, social and emotional distance between you and people of the opposite sex. This is the most important facet to all of these warnings. Your workmates need to know without a doubt that you are married, that you are in love with your spouse, and nothing will come between you both. Make sure to have pictures up of your family and spouse. Wear your wedding ring. Smile when you talk about your spouse.

 

So in closing, I ask the same question…”What do you chose?”

 

 

Joe

Are You Married in Public?

“He has brought me to his banquet hall, And his banner over me is love.”  Song of Solomon 2:4

Banner-of-Love

Here’s a question for you married folks…Is your love for one another evident to those around you? Better question, “Do strangers know you two are married?”

Ok, before you quit reading and move on with life, seriously take time and reflect on those answers.  Too often, we as married couples, fall into a rut or routine.  We take for granted the relationship God has ordained for us as a husband and wife. Instead of purposely pursuing intimacy in our marriages daily, we begin to assume that each of us is ok and content with the amount of physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy we are currently displaying to one another. So, no need to try any harder, it’s just fine where we are. To that attitude, I cry foul! That’s just plain lazy as a spouse.

Look what the Shulamite Woman writes in SofS 2:4. Solomon, the King of Israel, displays a love for her for all to witness. It is evident that there is a genuine love he has for her and she in return, reflects that love for all to see. It is clear that they are in love. This is probably the first Biblical account of a PDA: Public Display of Affection. There is no need for them to be locked in a passionate kiss, nor are they all handsy with one another. No, it’s probably the way they look at one another, set aside and focus on one another, probably the way they hold hands and speak to one another in public is the beginning of telling those they encounter that they love one another.

Jesus spoke it clearly, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”   John 13:34-35

Stop what you are doing when your spouse enters a room or is in eye shot and make eye contact with them. Smile and give them a wink. Acknowledge that you see them and know they are near. Hold hands and smile when you are together. Be walking side by side, not in a military line showing “who is in charge.”  Speak words of encouragement and tenderness to one another. To be sarcastic and rude to one another in public, or even in front of friends or children, is rude and toxic to your marriage. Even a soft kiss on the cheeks or lips, save the passionate kissing for private, is a beautiful way to display the precious gift of marriage that Christ has given to each of you.

Again, when you are in public with your spouse do those around you see a “banner of love” between you two? Start today to display the love you have for each other and in turn you will display a Christ-Centered love that will reflect the Gospel for all to witness.

Begin today with a new banner for your spouse!

Joe and Kerry

Pulling Back the Curtain on Physical Intimacy

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The past several Monday’s have gone very fast and have, for a better word, exposed some of the honest truth about physical intimacy in a marriage. Comments we have received runs the spectrum: “Thank you for discussing a topic on marriage that churches seem to shy away from.”  “Appreciate your honesty and candor. This is an important issue that seems to be brushed aside and avoided by most pastors.”  “You are wrong to be spreading these ideas. Sex is strictly for procreation in a marriage, nothing else.”  “Thank you for allowing me to feel sexy and giving me permission to enjoy sex.”  “Keep your comments to yourself, you will only increase promiscuity by your posts!” “By sleeping naked this past week, my husband and I for the first time in our marriage have enjoyed our time between the sheets like never before.”

So, you see, we are causing a stir and making people think again about physical intimacy in a marriage.  Whether it be good, bad, or just convicting…people are thinking. That’s good.

This now leads us into this day’s post. Communication is key when it comes to fully enjoying each other’s bodies as well as enjoying an active sex life as husband and wife.  However, too often we shy away from asking the key questions that will allow us to grow in our physical, sexual intimacy with one another. We are too embarrassed to ask and very embarrassed to respond truthfully. To those reactions, I say “STOP!”

It’s time to take a risk and step out of your comfort zone. It’s time to become transparent with one another. Genesis 2:25 says it clearly, “The two were naked and not ashamed.” They were completely vulnerable before one another. They were transparent and had no shame for being so.  As husband and wife, we should be the same. The questions will be difficult at times but our hope is that they will first encourage each of you to open up emotionally which in turn will allow you to open up physically. Treat these as conversation starters, modify them to suit your marriage, pick and choose what you wish to discuss; however, please don’t try to rush through all of them in one sitting. That’s not what they are for. It’s important to ask these questions so as to learn more about your spouse. These will help you be a student of your spouse.  Don’t get upset and try to “readjust” their answers, instead, explore the answers, listen to your spouse and grow! Also, final instruction, answer in complete and clear sentences, don’t give vague answers because you are embarrassed of the answer as well as give specific answers.

So here are 30 Sex Questions to Ask Your Spouse:

  1. Where is your favorite place to be touched that isn’t sexual to you?
  2. When I initiate sex, what is the first thing that comes to mind?
  3. What is your favorite way for me to initiate sex?
  4. How do you usually try to let me know you are in the mood for sex?
  5. What does sex mean to you?
  6. Describe your favorite memory of us having sex.
  7. Where and how do you like to be touched the most during sex? Why?
  8. Where do you not like to be touched during sex and why not?
  9. Describe something you’d like to try, regarding sex, which we haven’t tried together.
  10. Describe something we have tried before, regarding sex, which you’d like more of.
  11. How often would you like to have sex, ideally?
  12. What do you think about during sex?
  13. What’s your favorite position? Why?
  14. Would you rather have sex with the lights on or off? Are you afraid of having sex with the lights on?
  15. Does being naked in front of me make you uncomfortable? What can I do to make you more comfortable?
  16. Are you happy with how long we spend on foreplay? Would you like more or less?
  17. Are you happy with how long we spend having sex? Would you like more or less?
  18. What is your favorite foreplay activity?
  19. If there was one thing you’d like to improve about our sex life, what would it be?
  20. What is your favorite thing for me to say during sex?
  21. What activity gives you the strongest, or longest, orgasms?
  22. Describe what an orgasm feels like to you.
  23. Describe what it feels like to you when I have an orgasm (physically or emotionally).
  24. What is the most important part of sex to you? Why?
  25. Is there someplace you’d like to have sex that we haven’t already?
  26. Would you rather have sex in the morning or in the evening?
  27. Would you rather give oral sex, receive it, or neither? Why?
  28. What do we do in bed that you never thought you’d participate in?
  29. Which one of my body parts are you favorite? Which one of your body parts are your favorite?
  30. Name one thing that really turns you on.

 

There you have it. Here is our list of 30 questions. You may have additional ones and you may think that these are 29 too many. Either way, the key here is to communicate with your spouse. Talk to them and begin to open up to one another.  Be transparent with one another and don’t be ashamed of the answers.

 

Joe & Kerry

What Makes an Orgasm So…

I’ve had some pretty amazing orgasms with my husband, and each time I am in awe of God. In awe that of all the ways He could show off His creativity, He would choose this.

Oh my, what intense, profound, and whimsical depth of pleasure an orgasm is. Only you, God. Only you could come up with something like that.  Remember women and men, that the clitoris serves no other purpose than a wife’s sexual pleasure. None. That’s its only job description. However, we ladies too often fail in allowing it to do its job.

And no other experience even comesIMG_0451 close to the feeling of an orgasm.

Which is why when I hear from wives who have yet to have an orgasm – or who have extreme difficulty experiencing one – I morph into some kind of sex cheerleader, urging them to not give up.

“You do not want to miss out on this! Seriously. Please don’t give up. Don’t fake it. Don’t rob yourself of this. And don’t rob your husband of seeing you and feeling you experience this.”

Sure, I can hear your skepticism at my enthusiasm, as you mull over whether I’m making waayyy too big a deal about sexual climax in the marriage bed.

“Sex isn’t all about orgasm, Kerry!”

True. But let’s not kid ourselves. It’s a lot about orgasm! Yes, I said it!

Ask yourself this question: “When a husband and a wife are physically able to be sexually intimate, yet their sexual encounters drift toward only the husband being sexually satisfied, what happens?”

Enter bored wife, stage right.

Not only does sex become boring, routine and chore-like to a wife in this scenario, it also becomes a source of tremendous resentment.
She begins to begrudge sex; find ways to avoid it; and possibly even blame him. And before long, the whole fabric of the marriage is taking a hit.  Ironically, even he starts to not really enjoy sex, because she’s not into it.  And how could she be? I mean, there’s no pleasure in it for her.

Sure, we’d like to think sexually unsatisfied wives could rise above all that, but human nature being what it is tells us that few wives (if any) really can  just keep “taking one for the team” – without ever getting to hoist the trophy.  And honestly, why would we want them to rise above it?

Why would we want them to keep missing out on the mind-blowing experience of sexual release?

If you are a wife who has never experienced an orgasm and have resigned yourself to never having one, there’s nothing – nothing – noble about your lack of sexual climax.

“But Kerry, if God is such a generous God, why is this so difficult for so many of us wives? Why isn’t a wife’s orgasm as predictable as a husband’s?”

Valid question. Very valid question.

And I used to think that when I get to heaven, I would finally be able to ask God face-to-face my most perplexing sex questions (I know. Probably not what should be high on my priority list at that point, but if you know me at all, you can’t seriously be surprised I wonder these things, right?)

I think, though, I won’t have to wait for my answer, because I think God has already given it to me.

I believe God has created a unique opportunity for a husband and a wife to discover a level of intimacy they otherwise would miss if it was really easy for both of them to climax.  If it was always easy for both a husband and a wife to have an orgasm, I think we would downplay  God’s intention for sex to be this profound connection.

And if it was difficult for both a husband and a wife to have an orgasm, I think we would give up too easily, also missing out on that profound connection.

So instead, God creates a situation where a married couple is left with no other option than to learn together what it will take for them both to experience sexual pleasure.

In the exclusivity of the marriage bed, God invites a husband and a wife to vulnerably and intentionally explore each other’s bodies, to teach each other sexual pleasure, to try new techniques.

Yes, the penis tends to be more predictable than the clitoris, which may leave us assuming that the wife must have greater patience.  But think about the scenario again, okay?  Do you see where both a husband and a wife need patience?  Arousal is an opportunity; not a burden.

Wives, if you struggle experiencing orgasm, I pray you will hear my heart on this.  Your sexual pleasure matters.   If you have thought it doesn’t matter or if your husband has been indifferent, I encourage you to courageously shed light on this.

I know of a wife who was years into her marriage when she finally got the courage to talk to her husband about the reality that she had never been completely satisfied.  She knew that together they had to figure out how to change that unhealthy pattern into a healthier one where they valued pleasure for both of them.

Her marriage and their sexual intimacy are better today because of what at the time was an incredibly awkward conversation. Praise God she pushed through that hesitancy.  By the way, that wife is me and both Joe and I are better for it because of our transparency, not only between the sheets, but in all facets of our marriage.

Ladies, you have heard both Joe and I scream from the rooftops….COMMUNICATE with each other!!  Take time to share with your husband your struggles all the while communicating with him where to touch and how to touch you.

In the next few weeks both Joe and I will contribute to articles on the How, When, Where, and Why of Orgasm. Please know we do not take this lightly nor make this a trivial topic, but we both agree as a husband and wife how important sexually intimacy is in a marriage. When a husband learns because of the communication of his wife on how to bring her to orgasm, or if the wife begins to allow herself to learn more about her body so she can share that with her husband, it is then that a physical intimacy grows exponentially!

What about you?  If you are a wife who struggles experiencing orgasm or if you are a husband with a wife who is missing out on sexual pleasure, what are you going to do today?

The most profound intimate places in a marriage begin with authentic vulnerability.

Kerry

Top 10 Items for Your Bedroom

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We received some very interesting comments from last Monday’s blog post-Sleep Naked with Your Spouse.  As an overall response, most felt that sleeping naked was too awkward and uncomfortable. O.K, Kerry and I agree that initially it can be uncomfortable and maybe, even make matters worse in your marriage. So, instead, we decided to invest this time into a Top 10 list for your bedroom.
Through the past 2 ½ decades as husband and wife, Kerry and I have attempted to make our bedroom our personal, private oasis of intimacy.This not only includes physical intimacy, but emotional and spiritual too. We have experienced some amazing times of sexual encounters as well as times of deepened purposeful communication and growth in our bedroom. We also have shared on many occasions how God is working in our lives and what we are doing to apply it into our marriage and family. So once again, your bedroom should be well taken care of and as husband and wife, there are some items you should invest in to keep and use in your bedroom.  Kerry and I would at least like to share with you our Top 10 list of the items in our bedroom that we feel increases the Intimacy in our marriage. Also note, this is a broking list and for all we know, item can change by next week, but at least this is a start.
  1. Black Dry Erase Marker: We use this to write messages of encouragement, scripture that God spoke to us directly or that we are applying in our lives, as well as flirty messages on our bedroom dresser mirror and our bathroom mirror. Again, make sure it is Dry Erase and Black.
  2. Essential Oil Diffuser and Oils: This is a great addition to the bedroom. We will run Peppermint Oil or Eucalyptus in the mornings we are getting ready for work. In the evening either a Lavender or Sandalwood Oil as we are going to bed. The aroma and atmosphere is very relaxing and just helps to enhance the special oasis you are trying to create.
  3. Ecotones Sound +Sleep Machine: We have always had a sound machine since the girls were born. It helps to create a background noise that will block out other noises and allow us to sleep without distractions. However, this sound machine has a unique feature that we find invaluable. The louder the room gets the louder the sound machine volume will increase. In other words, for those of you that may be inhibited in having sex because the kids may hear, this is your sound machine. It works like a charm,it will drown out the bedroom intimacy noise and the anxiety you may feel will reduce greatly.  Great investment!
  4. Rock Salt Bowl Lamp with Wood Base: This simple lamp not only supposedly “purifies” the air, it creates a romantic glow throughout the bedroom.
  5. Q & A Book:  This great 3 year journal will ask a simple question for every day of the year that you both will give either a one word or one sentence answer.  During the next three years, you will gain insight and share experiences as a couple. It gets fun when you begin to loop around into the next year and read the previous year’s answers.
  6. Liberator Pillow/Wedge:  If you are not aware of what this is, click on the link to find out. Yes, it is a sex pillow but for most couples that struggle to experience a vaginal orgasm, this pillow is so helpful. You may not think the investment is worth it; however, it is. Just adjusting the angle by those few inches can make all the difference in the world for her.
  7. Set of Soft, Luxurious Bed Sheets:  If you think you need silk bed sheets to be romantic, you’ve been watching too many B-Class movies. Instead, take time to get a good set of soft, cotton bed sheets. They do not need to be expensive or made from Hand Woven Egyptian Cotton. Instead, make sure your bed sheets are comfortable and breathable.
  8.  Love Talk Devotional:  We each have our own copy and will share with each other how that day’s devotion spoke to us individually and into our marriage. We may not hit each day, every day, but we do try to be as consistent as possible with our time together to share where God is taking us in our marriage.
  9.  Lubricant with Applicator:  Seriously, this is so essential as well towards sexual intimacy.  Most women, especially as they get older, suffer with vaginal dryness. This will inhibit physical intimacy due to the pain and friction that can occur. Having a good water based lubricant and also investing in an applicator, can make sex more pleasurable for both wife and husband.
  10.  An Adult Toy/A Vibrator: This may be a taboo or uncomfortable last item for some of you. A vibrator may mean that it is now a focus of self and takes away the intimacy between a husband and wife. That will only occur if the vibrator becomes the only focus of intimacy.  It is a tool for the husband and wife to explore and understand each other’s bodies. The husband will have the opportunity to learn from his wife as she shares with him the places to touch and massage, both vaginally and with her breasts.  The woman can use it to stimulate her husbands penis and increase his arousal as well.  Many women struggle with a vaginal orgasm, so with a vibrator, the husband can bring her to an initial orgasm, then enter her while she uses it to build to multiple ones during intercourse, or she may not need it at all.  Again, it is a tool to learn and have fun with as a husband and wife.  It will bring a sense of oneness.
Finally, there is one item that is not on the list but it is the priority of the intimacy in your bedroom. It’s a question that should be asked everyday before you leave your bedroom as husband and wife. Either right before bed or as you are getting up and getting ready for the day. Daily ask each other, “How can I pray for you ?”  That’s it. Once you do, listen, share and do it for each other. That one question will tie up the three facets of Intimacy: Physical-Emotional-Spiritual.
You may have another list or feel that you could add to this list. So please share. We would love to hear from you!
Joe & Kerry

Invest In Your Marriage

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This week Kerry and I are in Ruidoso, NM. We rented a cabin for a few days during Kerry’s Spring Break. It’s a romantic cabin in the woods, fully equipped with a private deck, a fireplace, a kitchen and a king sized bed. Yup, it’s just the two of us for the week. Time for both of us to reconnect, spend time with each other, and grow intimately: emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Yes, this is an investment in time and money; however, it is the right kind of investment each husband and wife should be making in their marriages. You each should be ALWAYS dating your spouse throughout your marriage. Never stop flirting, never stop romancing, never stop dating!

Kerry and I try to go out on a date at least once a week. We also will try to get a hotel room for a night at least once every 3-4 months and at least once a year, get away, just the two of us, on a vacation of sorts and without distractions, reconnect with one another.

How about you? Do you take time to “Date” your spouse? It doesn’t need to be expensive or stressful, it just needs to be a time that you will spend time together and make great memories.

Here are some “Investment” Date Night Ideas. Next Wednesday, we’ll share some easy, inexpensive ideas.

  • Dine together at the restaurant in your city or town that you believe has the most romantic view.
  • Rent out a hotel room or B&B that has a private hot tub for you two to share.
  • Take a cooking class together
  • Buy body paints and a large sheet of paper. Make art with each  other’s bodies and frame and/or mount the final product.
  • Go horseback riding or take an overnight horseback camping adventure.
  • Dessert Tour: Share taster sized desserts in three different restaurants. End with a decadent chocolatier. 

Have fun, make memories, but most of all learn something new about your spouse and with that, grow ever closer to one another!

Joe

Random Massage-Romance Towards Your Spouse

Die on finger © Olegkalina | Dreamstime.com

Put a die on their night table along with a card saying something like the following:

Roll the die for a massage

1=Feet
2=Legs
3=Butt
4=Back
5=Shoulders
6=Your choice

Modify as best for the two of you. Tell them that when they roll, you will massage.

Have a great weekend!